You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
