She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
