I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
