I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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