I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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