Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
