literally had 100 drinks last night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
