i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
