what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
