half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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