when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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