Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
