fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
