My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
