Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
