i love accidental penises.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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