her vagine was all disorganized.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
