I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
