I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The power of my boobs compel you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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