i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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