So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
bring money and cleavage
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
