You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
