The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
