I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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