I'm jealous of your bromance
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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