i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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