On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my sisters under your porch take her home
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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