if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
