Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Please don't give away my fajitas
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
