Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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