there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I deserve this hangover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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