my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
