So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
