You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
