So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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