Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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