I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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