Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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