Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
did i walk over a car last night?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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