shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
