Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
