i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
