i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
