the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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