The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize