I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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