I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
