the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize