Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
