i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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