One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
