I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
