she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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