So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
