I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
