I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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