3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
