I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
