my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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