Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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