I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
