If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just high enough for therapy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
