She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
